Just found this video at

http://www.gontry.com/Video/VideoShow/VDO496/Friday-V/s-Monday.aspx

 It sums up......

WE Proudly say that we are S/W Prof. Sounds very glamrs. But inside we know we are code coolies. Our life is a bug & debugging that means we are out of the business.

Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties - We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.

Developed after years of intensive research - It was discovered by accident.
 
Customer satisfaction is believed assured - We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.
 
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
   
Test results were extremely gratifying - It works, and are we surprised.
   
Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem - We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
   
Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
 
The entire concept will have to be abandoned - The only guy who understood the thing quit.
 
Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

 Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
  Husband - hard disk full.
 
  Wife - have you brought the saree.
  Husband - Bad command or file name.
 
  Wife - but I told you about it in morning
  Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.
 
  Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
  Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.
 
  Wife - at least give me your credit card,
  i can do some shopping.
  Husband - sharing violation, access denied.
 
  Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
  Husband - data type mismatch.
 
  Wife - you are useless.
  Husband - by default.
 
  Wife - what is my value in your life?
  Husband - unknown virus detected.
 
  Wife - do you love me or your computer?
  Husband - Too many parameters.
 
  Wife - i will go to my dad�s house.
  Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will
  Close.
 
  Wife - I will leave you forever.
  Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.
 
  Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
  Husband - shut down the computer.
 
  Wife - I am going
  Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

Programmer to Team Leader: "We can't do this proposed project. **CAN NOT**. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take this type of project."
 
  Team Leader to Project Manager: "This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."
 
  Project Manager to Director: "This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."
 
  Director to Vice President: "This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution."
 
  Vice President to CEO: "This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."
 
 CEO to Client: "This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame."

Must read for all windows lovers....

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
 
  In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
 
  If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
 
  1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
 
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
 
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
 
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
 
  5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you have would have to buy more seats.
 
  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
 
  7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
 
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
 
  9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
 
  10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
 
  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
 
  12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

a software guy also helps prepare logical & analytical cases like this -

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)

2. Key in the first six digits of your mobile number

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer?  J

I didn't try, but i could still guess the answer must be my mobile number. After all its not astrology/numerology its mathology where you could reproduce only the number after playing with it thru some variables. What if you could write some code to predict beyond this.... ????

No credit taken. It was a good.... Keep posting. Advice for the CAT guys. Avoid Calculators

Expression of a s/w guy if saturday is announced as workin day....

We all know this one

One day a man was having a conversation with God when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints. He asked God, "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??" to which God answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you in my hands"

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Now know this one too!!!!!!!!


Another day I was having a similar conversation with my boss when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints. I asked my boss "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??" to which the boss answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times, I was sitting on your head!!"

this goes in line with the famous song of delhi 6 - sasural genda phool, dedicated to all the softy techies out there...

hoye hoye hoye... hoye hoye hoye

PM ched dewe L

TL bhi chutki lewe L L

IT genda phool !!!

Client gaali dewe L

Cubimate samjha dewe J J

IT genda phool !!!

Chora college ka angina

Bhaaave dera, yaha kahooo

Onsite waala hai wyapaari

Chala gaya pardes L

Sooratiya mai nihaaroo L

Saare code error dewe L L

IT genda Foooool !!!

How to retain Employees!!!

Kaam Kaisa Chal Raha Hai????????

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..Mat Pooch yaar Bahut tension hai .. !!!!!!

Watch out your leaders guys.

http://www.gontry.com/Article/ReadArticle/ART61/Tech-Billionaires.aspx

Still not quitting, instead chopping us like cattles...

Recession Time

Employee to Manager

    Agar aapne meri salary nahi badhayee

           To mein poori company ko bata dunga ki aapne meri  salary badha di hai

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful
vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s**t!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady

MORAL: Gather all resources before working on any project and committing to the client...!!! 

No prize for guessing that the horse in the picture is our TOM BOY!!

Yes a SOFTWARE GUY.

How to Answer the Tough Interview Questions

A lot of people know how to write a resume and talk their way into an interview. But when they get into the make or break dialogue, they stumble upon tough questions. Below, is some advice on approaching the tough questions that interviewers like to throw at job applicants:

Why did you leave your last job?
Real answer: It sucked.
What you should say: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.

What are your biggest weaknesses?
Real answer: I can't concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.
What you should say: I'm a workaholic. I just don't know when to put down my work.

You don't seem to hold on to a job long. Why should we think you'll stay here any longer than you've stayed elsewhere?
Real answer: My employers have always had a hang-up about keeping only competent employees..
What you should say: I'm at a point in my career where I am tired of moving around. I really want to feel part of a team! , a long-term enterprise, where I can make a contribution.
For all those of u aiming for job switches...............

How do you handle change?
Real answer: I deal with it everyday, unless I'm out of clean underwear.
What you should say: I think everyone knows that today the only constant is change. I thrive on it.

How do you get along with others?
Real answer: Fine, as long as they stay out of my face.
What you should say: I think the interpersonal dynamics of the workplace can be among the most satisfying aspects of any job.

What does the word success mean to you?
Real answer: It means that I don't have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.
What you should say: Success, for me, would be knowing I am making a difference working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.

What does the word failure mean to you?
Real answer: It means I continue to collect unemployment insurance.
What you should say: Failure? I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean. That word is not in my vocabulary.

Do you get along with your! current boss?
Real answer: I get along fine, considering what kind of a malicious person he is.
What you should say: I don't think I'd call him a boss; he's been more of a mentor to me.

Do you ever get angry with co-workers?
Real answer: I don't get angry, I get even.
What you should say: Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with co-workers.

Can I contact your references?
Real answer: Sure, but they won't know who I am.
What you should say: Some of them are out of the country right now. Ma! ybe I can arrange to have them contact you.

अभी अभी तो प्यार का PC किया
है चालु
अपने दिल के Hard Disk पे और कितनी
Files डालु

अपने चेहरे से रूसवाई की Error
तो हटाओ
ऐ जानेमन अपने दिल का Password तो बताओ

वो तो हम है जो आप की चाहत दिल
मॆं रखते है
वरना आप जैसे कितने Softwares तो
बाज़ार में बिकते है

रोज़ रात आप मेरे सपने में
आते हो
मेरे प्यार को Mouse बना के
उंगलियों पे नचाते हो

तेरे प्यार का Email मेरे दिल को
लुभाता है
पर बीच में तेरे बाप का Virus आ
जाता है

और करवाओगे हमसे कितना इन्तजार
हमारे दिल की साईट पे कभी Enter
तो मारो यार

अपने इन्सल्ट का बदला देखो
कैसे लुंगा
जानेमन तेरे बाप को Ctrl+Alt+Delete कर दुंगा

आपके कई नखरे अपने दिल पे
बैंग हो गये
दो PC जुड़ते जुड़ते Hang हो गये

आप जैसो के लिये दिल को Cut
किया करते है
वरना बाकी केसेस में तो Copy Paste
किया करते हैं

आपक हँसना आप क चलना आप की वो स्टाईल
आपकी अदाओं की हमने Save कर ली
है File

जो सदीयों से होता आया है वो
रीपीट कर दुंगा
तु ना मिली तो तुझे Ctrl+Alt+Delete कर दुंगा

लड़कीयां सुन्दर हैं
प्रोब्लम है कि बस वो Read Only हैं

Reena was about to leave office after finishing her work. She got a call from her husband Ravi,

Reena (R): "Hello, yes Ravi".

Ravi (A): " Reena, can you open my gmail and get a print out of the mail from that USconsultant I forgot to take it in my office"

(R): "Yes, I can, I need your password"

(A): "sonal22091980"

(R): "Ok fine"

She takes the print out and logs out. Some thought struck her mind now.

SONAL happens to be his college mate.

Hmmm...   [ kahani me twist… ]

She decides not to discuss this with Ravi. She simply opens her mail box and changes the password from "Ashish143" to " ReenaRavi" and leaves for home!

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Change your password …  NOW J

A radio jock who frequently goes out on limb has once again pushed the limit of political correctness, this time referring to workers handling outsourced jobs in India as “slumdogs”.

RAJU Then & NOW.

A picture is worth a thosand words

Newton’s Laws for Softwares....

Law 1.
  Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by manager.
 
Law 2.
  The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.
 
Law 3.
For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.
 
Law 4.
Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.
 

Pareshaan thi Chintu ki wife
Non-happening thi jo uski life
Chintu ko na milta tha aaram
Office main karta kaam hi kaam

Chintu ke boss bhi the bade cool
Promotion ko har baar jate the bhul
Par bhulte nahi the wo deadline
Kaam to karwate the roz till nine

Chintu bhi banna chata tha best
Isliye to wo nahi karta tha rest
Din raat karta wo boss ki gulami
Onsite ke ummid main deta salami

Din guzre aur guzre fir saal
Bura hota gaya Chintu ka haal
Chintu ko ab kuch yaad na rehta tha
Galti se Biwi ko Behenji kehta tha

Aakhir ek din Chintu ko samjh aaya
Aur chod di usne Onsite ki moh maya
Boss se bola, "Tum kyon satate ho ?"
"Onsite ke laddu se buddu banate ho"

"Promotion do warna chala jaunga"
"Onsite dene par bhi wapis na aunga"
Boss haans ke bola "Nahi koi baat"
"Abhi aur bhi Chintus hai mere paas"

"Yeh duniya Chintuon se bhari hai"
"Sabko bas aage badhne ki padi hai"
"Tum na karoge to kisi aur se karaunga"
"Tumhari tarah Ek aur Chintu banaunga"

(WAKE UP CHINTU)
 
 

This is very good website,All blog that written here is very impressive.